New Year, New Boundaries? Part 2.
In this month’s blog I explore some of the ways we can deal with “pushback” from other people when we decide to set boundaries with them. You can find Part One of the blog here.
Having already established whether our current boundaries are porous, rigid or healthy, we need to also think about which areas of life we need boundaries in (spoiler alert: it’s in all areas). Nedra Glover Tawwab, in her highly recommended book “Set Boundaries, Find Peace” lists six types of boundary:
Physical – how we set limits to personal space and physical touch;
Sexual - what levels of intimacy or sexual activity, we do or don’t consent to;
Intellectual – being able to express thoughts and ideas without being ridiculed;
Emotional – being able to express how we feel without being invalidated by others;
Material – how others treat your possessions;
Time – how we manage our own time and how much we allow others to impose on that.
Boundary violations can happen on a micro and macro level. Microboundary violations happen on a day-to-day level, and in and of themselves may not seem to impact us very much. However, if we’re experiencing many microboundary violations, they add up and start to affect our sense of self and wellbeing.
Nedra Glover also points out that these micro events are usually reflective of, and rest on a more structural belief system such as racism, trans or homophobia, sexism or ableism. Examples of microboundary violations may be sensing an “attitude” from someone serving you in a shop or someone oversharing about themselves without asking a single question about you.
Microboundary violations usually show up as microagressions, which are subtle, passive aggressive or negative messages we’re on the receiving end of. Microagressions also show up in terms of biases such as those around race, gender, sexuality and disability.
Macro level boundary violations are long standing and persistent violations of our boundaries that change our relationship with others. We blame ourselves for the problems our partner has, or struggle to separate our own needs from those of others around us. These show up as enmeshment (unable to separate from the other), co-dependency (needing to save or protect the other), trauma bonding (the other convincing us that everything is our fault) and counterdependency (the other being rigid with their boundaries to keep us at a distance).
The Three Steps to Setting a Boundary:
Focus on what you want from the problematic situation: the solution
Say No or state what you need. Glover offers a 4-step approach:
I want….,
I need….,
I expect…..,
Next time…..Managing the awkwardness and discomfort because yes, setting boundaries is very uncomfortable for most of us and even more so when we’re just learning it. The fear and guilt of setting a boundary will be matched by the relief you feel after doing it.
We also need to avoid communicating our boundaries ineffectively – passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive or manipulative. Instead we’re aiming for assertiveness: being clear, to the point and also being able to walk away from the situation feeling OK about it.
Resistance and Pushback
So, having managed to do all that, we set a boundary and the other person decides that they aren’t having it or that their needs are more important than yours. Ugh! The way we deal with this is to acknowledge the other person’s view but then restate the boundary and the consequence that will happen if the other party keeps pushing.
Other ways people can push back are limit-testing (as in “I’ll get back to you next week as you’ll be able to do it then right?”). The way we deal with this is to say to the person how you feel when they don’t respect your boundary and then restate the boundary succinctly without further justification or explanation.
Sometimes the other person will try to ignore the boundary and bulldozer on regardless. In this case it is very important to restate the boundary and then get the other person to say it back to you. Then point out that this is what will be needed in the future too. If we don’t catch this when it happens, then the boundary dissolves. Other ways the person will respond will be to rationalise and question the boundary to try and draw you into a debate. In this case we keep it short and restate the boundary along with something along the lines of “this is what keeps things OK for me”.
Defensiveness is a tricky one to deal with – the other person sees your setting a boundary as a direct attack on them or says “well, you used to do it, why won’t you do it now?!” In this case we need to keep to “I” statements and follow the formula of “When you _____, I feel____”.
Ghosting and the silent treatment can also be another form of pushback and these require us to state how we feel and then leave it to the other person to decide if they are going to respond or not. If it’s the latter then we have to learn to accept that that’s how it is and that it says more about the other person and their capacity to set boundaries than ours.
There are many more ways of managing boundaries and many more situations where boundary trouble can arise. Nedra Glover’s “Set Boundaries Workbook” provides a very comprehensive guide to taking action to improve our boundaries with others.
I often use the workbook in my clinical work because it’s so compassionate and so good. If you feel it would be helpful for you to do some work on your boundaries with the people in your life, feel free to contact us here at Rhizome Practice and we’ll help you start to create some breathing space in your interpersonal relationships!
